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We need more Tesla jokes — specifically about how dangerous they are.
Here’s the thing: all cars can catch fire, and all EV fires are especially hard to put out. But Teslas are •uniquely• dangerous:
Tesla cuts corners, and their “cheap luxury” engineering habits extend to safety. Recalls are endemic. Their safety record is…bad. There’s hints that their battery cooling system is sub-par. And it’s nearly impossible to escape a Tesla in an emergency unless (1) you’re in the front seat and (2) you’ve practiced using the emergency latch.
Poking around at public data, Cybertrucks ••burn people alive•• 57 times more often than normal cars. Not 57 percent. 57 ••times••. That’s…bonkers.
2/
57 times the normal rate. That’s 17x worse than even the Ford Pinto:
https://fuelarc.com/evs/its-official-the-cybertruck-is-more-explosive-than-the-ford-pinto/
Now for those of you who know the Ford Pinto, you know that the car bore the brunt of endless jokes. A comedian could always get a laugh based on the universally shared assumption that they’re terrible cars that catch fire.
That’s a kind of communication that can reach people who aren’t reading nerdy threads on Fedi. So:
3/
Do you want to hear my new recipe for barbecued chicken? It’s super easy!
1. Get a live chicken.
2. Put it in a Tesla.
…
You know, stuff like that.
4/
When jokes like that can get a laugh, Elon Musk is cooked. Like a Tesla.
/end
What’s the difference between Alcatraz and a crashed Tesla?
People have escaped from Alcatraz.
How do you start a campfire with wet wood?
Put a Tesla under it.
What's the difference between a burning Tesla and an apartment lease?
You can get out of a lease.
Save on home heating costs!
1. Buy a used Tesla.
2. Put it in your attached garage.
3. Wait.
Re this from @eleanorrees, how about:
Your mom’s so bad at cooking she can’t even get a Tesla to catch fire!
Did you hear about Elon Musk‘s latest new car model? It’s called the “Tesla Rotisserie”
[gentle but serious voice over]
You want the best for your family. You want to make sure they’re taken care of — no matter what. And you’d do _anything_ to make sure of that. But if something happened to you, what would happen to your loved ones? Don’t saddle them with the financial stress of a costly cremation. Drive a Tesla.
@inthehands @eleanorrees
What do you call it when a parent buys their child a Tesla?
Filicide.
@inthehands @eleanorrees
Did you hear that Tesla got hit with a bunch of fines? Apparently, they never got a crematory license.
@inthehands @eleanorrees
What's the hardest part about cleaning a Tesla?
Scraping the dead bodies off the hood.
@inthehands @eleanorrees
I originally wrote "children" instead of "bodies," but then I thought, "Okay, that's probably *too* dark."
@inthehands @eleanorrees
Families that own Teslas are much closer than average.
Their charred bodies are literally inseparable.
@jargoggles @eleanorrees
Oof! Too much, too much!
@inthehands @eleanorrees
The interior of a Tesla must be really bad. People are dying to get out of them.
