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- For #neurodivergent #adhd etc. folks: or for my experience anyway, the best thing was learning that 1) NT folks are actually deadly serious about their social games and The Rules (what you can and can’t do) but, 2) those rules are just made up. However, 3) they can get very mad when you tell them this and insist that you follow them anyway. 4) sometimes By force.

This is a universal experience for anyone that’s a bit of a misfit I think.

3/?

- lots of times they build power hierarchies into “the rules” and that’s why they get extra mad about changing the rules. Some people want to be “It” all the time and will try to keep changing the rules so that they can. But again, these rules are just made up, we can convince enough people to just make new ones.

4/?

- sometimes we learn EXTRA made up rules about what kinds of shapes people ought to take. And we cut away what’s too much and paste on something extra to try and be The Best shape, but again the rules are made up! They don’t matter! They have no meaning if we choose for them not to!

- so growing, that is, becoming you, means rediscovering the kind of shape that you _want_ to be.

5/?

- (for me) masking is all those other shapes. They’re not me, but a good mask is more about letting other people fill in the blanks rather than being someone else. A good mask is a _slice_ of you portioned to project an implied whole into the minds of other people. This kind is easy to wear, you just don’t tell people they’re wrong. Make the faces they’re expecting to see.

6/?

- if we’re always wearing masks, if we’re changing our shape to be the kind of shape we think we ought to be then… who are we? Like sitting in an odd position long enough, we become accustomed to our altered shape.

- to answer what I want, who I want to be, I have had to become aware again, acutely of my masking. Of how I slice my personality to be presentable for work or family or the people at the grocery store or wherever.

7/?

- and it’s kind of like sitting in that weird position and getting comfortable and then realizing you’re limbs are falling asleep and it hurts to go back to the right shape. And then why go back to the wrong one?

- I lost the metaphor: the point is, I am tired of doing it. I’m tired of slicing myself into acceptable pieces for safe consumption. I want to be able to be more myself everywhere.

8/?

- I don’t have the energy anymore. I have been in some state of burnout for a long time now. Since this pandemic, the amount of extra brain stress I go through every day, I can’t do it. I can’t sustain the weird shapes. I have to figure out my own again.

- I’m rebuilding myself. Throwing off and rewriting my rules as I see fit. Last year, especially, was about throwing out rules: gender rules, and relationship rules, and career rules.

9/?

- this next year is about shifting from removal, “unbecoming”, and avoiding pain back toward new growth, becoming, and chasing joy. As we move through the darkest times back to the light, just as the moon after shrinking to nothing grows again to fullness, I am seeking to be me again— maybe for the first time.

10/?

- and as I’m meeting me, maybe for the first time, I’m starting to love me,

maybe for the first time.

11/?

- and fuck anyone who says that person isn’t the right shape or too much or not enough. Fuck them. They don’t matter anyway.

- and I am tired of selling parts of myself for them. You want me? You get it all. Every piece is connected, they’re all important.

12/?

- or I’m gonna be working for a world where that can be true and safe. I still like having income and affording the things I do and healthcare. So the more I can bring what I do in line with who I am, the better. Hopefully one day, we can stop playing capitalism.

- and I’m scared for what it will mean for existing relationships that are… complicatedly intertwined. It’s tempting to just sort of let them slip or exist in superposition. Just mask some more to avoid a hard conversation.

13/?

So this year is exciting and scary. I’m learning what I do want and who I am outside of all these “oughts” and assumptions. I’m learning to love myself and I don’t want to hide the person I’m discovering, I want to be with them more and more. And I don’t really know everything that will mean yet, and that’s the scary. But it’ll be ok.

I am chasing the incandescent joy at the heart of my soul.

14/14