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Janet Vertesi

Your shoe needs a firmware upgrade.

Please hold while we establish an insecure Bluetooth connection and share your contacts and local network access details to UnderArmour.

(Rofl @pluralistic officially unlocked)

@cyberlyra @pluralistic WAIT! this isn't a meme? this is actually a thing?!?!

@cyberlyra @blogdiva @pluralistic Excuse me, “connect your shoes”?

They had “click your heels together three times to connect” and they just let it go?

@WhiteCatTamer what a missed opportunity! Maybe with the next firmware upgrade…

@cyberlyra @blogdiva @pluralistic This is what I see when I try to visit the link. The future is truly here, y’all!

@thinkoplex @blogdiva that’s the most appropriate response I’ve seen all day lol

@cyberlyra @pluralistic this week at a bank’s information desk, I was advised to use their ‘unsecured WiFi to download an app.

@cyberlyra @pluralistic as I am not the only person chocked. How could anyone tell Barclays Bank that if they offer free WiFi to their clients, it ought to be secured ?

@cyberlyra you don't get it, do you?

"First it was the Torment Nexus, but I didn't worry, because I was making jokes on Mastodon.

[...]

Now my shoes have Bluetooth and require FW updates ever now and then..."

:)

@cyberlyra it would be a shame if the collective we should stop writing sarcastic stories just in case a techbro would think it's a good idea... :(((

@mdione It sounds like we need to assemble a very explicit and very long List Of Things That Really Really Don’t Need Chipsets In Them Or Even Bluetooth Or Cloud Connectivity else the message won’t get through. Or maybe that just looks like a challenge….

@cyberlyra @pluralistic my mind is now busy enumerating the many ways in which this information can be sold.

I‘m sure some insurance somewhere is lining up for risk profiles about walking asymmetry and risk of stumbling during sports.

@cyberlyra THOSE MADMEN! THOSE FUCKING LUNATICS! WHAT DOES A FUCKING PAIR OF SNEAKERS EVEN NEED A FIRMWARE FOR, IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING RUBBER AT THE BOTTOM WITH LEATHER/PLEADER/TEXTILES AT THE TOP!!!

(I'd excuse for the caps but there's no other way to describe my feelings about this)

@Reiddragon Yeah, I get it. I’m just too busy ROFLing to get upset about this one.

@cyberlyra @pluralistic I had an UA pair of shoes with that feature, used it twice maybe