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We need more Tesla jokes — specifically about how dangerous they are.
Here’s the thing: all cars can catch fire, and all EV fires are especially hard to put out. But Teslas are •uniquely• dangerous:
Tesla cuts corners, and their “cheap luxury” engineering habits extend to safety. Recalls are endemic. Their safety record is…bad. There’s hints that their battery cooling system is sub-par. And it’s nearly impossible to escape a Tesla in an emergency unless (1) you’re in the front seat and (2) you’ve practiced using the emergency latch.
Poking around at public data, Cybertrucks ••burn people alive•• 57 times more often than normal cars. Not 57 percent. 57 ••times••. That’s…bonkers.
2/
57 times the normal rate. That’s 17x worse than even the Ford Pinto:
https://fuelarc.com/evs/its-official-the-cybertruck-is-more-explosive-than-the-ford-pinto/
Now for those of you who know the Ford Pinto, you know that the car bore the brunt of endless jokes. A comedian could always get a laugh based on the universally shared assumption that they’re terrible cars that catch fire.
That’s a kind of communication that can reach people who aren’t reading nerdy threads on Fedi. So:
3/
Do you want to hear my new recipe for barbecued chicken? It’s super easy!
1. Get a live chicken.
2. Put it in a Tesla.
…
You know, stuff like that.
4/
When jokes like that can get a laugh, Elon Musk is cooked. Like a Tesla.
/end
What’s the difference between Alcatraz and a crashed Tesla?
People have escaped from Alcatraz.
How do you start a campfire with wet wood?
Put a Tesla under it.
What's the difference between a burning Tesla and an apartment lease?
You can get out of a lease.
Save on home heating costs!
1. Buy a used Tesla.
2. Put it in your attached garage.
3. Wait.
Re this from @eleanorrees, how about:
Your mom’s so bad at cooking she can’t even get a Tesla to catch fire!
Did you hear about Elon Musk‘s latest new car model? It’s called the “Tesla Rotisserie”
[gentle but serious voice over]
You want the best for your family. You want to make sure they’re taken care of — no matter what. And you’d do _anything_ to make sure of that. But if something happened to you, what would happen to your loved ones? Don’t saddle them with the financial stress of a costly cremation. Drive a Tesla.
@inthehands are we sure all these cybertruck “arson” incidents aren’t just the trucks setting *themselves* on fire out of shame?
One must ask these questions
What do you call 10,000 Cybertruck owners barbecued inside their own vehicle?
A good start
Did you know? If you stacked up all the Teslas at the bottom of the ocean
Sorry I lost my train of thought. That was the end of the joke.
@inthehands we should re-brand these as Tesla-Essentials. "Have you bought your emergency hammer? so you don't burn alive in your Tesla"
@carstenfranke @inthehands Hopefully the "bulletproof glass" performs as poorly IRL as during the demo event.
Also FWIW: I don't think these hammers work without water pressure on the glass.
@dalias@hachyderm.io @carstenfranke@mastodon.social @inthehands@hachyderm.io they should. car glass is tempered glass. you dont use them on the middle but towards the edges.
@puppygirlhornypost2 @dalias @inthehands @carstenfranke ah, but Tesla uses laminated glass, which makes it harder to escape your fiery demise
@c0dec0dec0de @puppygirlhornypost2 @inthehands @carstenfranke Which is probably in violation of all sorts of safety regulations...
@c0dec0dec0de@hachyderm.io @dalias@hachyderm.io @inthehands@hachyderm.io @carstenfranke@mastodon.social Should only be slightly since that's a thin layer of plastic that holds the glass shards together. I wouldn't want to try to break out of a tesla while drowning though
@c0dec0dec0de@hachyderm.io @puppygirlhornypost2@transfem.social @dalias@hachyderm.io @inthehands@hachyderm.io @carstenfranke@mastodon.social A Tesla is the safest car in the world to burn alive in… for all the people watching you from the outside.
@c0dec0dec0de@hachyderm.io @puppygirlhornypost2@transfem.social @dalias@hachyderm.io @inthehands@hachyderm.io @carstenfranke@mastodon.social Tesla has fixed a huge social problem! Yeah, there’s no such thing as the bystander effect with a Tesla, because there’s literally no way to help you out of a burning Tesla.
@carstenfranke @inthehands The 'Hitler' ...
@dbat @carstenfranke @inthehands
Every Swasticar needs a Hitler
@carstenfranke @inthehands if you make it crucifix-shaped, it'll sell out in minutes.
if it also works for fooling safety belt sensors, it'll sell out in seconds and you'll get a honorary/by proxy Darwin award in the process
@carstenfranke @inthehands Buying an Amazon Basics emergency hammer to get out of a burning Tesla is the 2025 white flag of surrender.
@HayiWena
That is why I picked the Amazon picture :-)
@inthehands "No, they weren't 'drinking and driving' in that cybertruck. They were having a Molotov cocktail party."
This message was brought to you by Volkswagen, the People's Car, conceived by the greatest dictator Germany ever had. Volkswagen - totally not a swasticar. Burn your Tesla and buy a Volkswagen today.
@inthehands Needs a 'your mom' variant. Something about being bad at cooking.
@eleanorrees @inthehands
A yo mamma joke is always appropriate!
@inthehands So, Tesla stock is tanking in China for a whole other reason. Know how China has all those AI cameras? Those cameras can write traffic tickets. Tesla FSD was launched in China last month, and the people are calling it "Full Self-Ticketing" because it racks up around one traffic infraction per mile. Part of this is due to the fact the CCP wouldn't let Tesla export vehicle telemetry, insisting they process user data domestically with government oversite so Tesla just didn't and used US data instead. Totally normal car company things.
@inthehands @eleanorrees
What do you call it when a parent buys their child a Tesla?
Filicide.
@inthehands @eleanorrees
Did you hear that Tesla got hit with a bunch of fines? Apparently, they never got a crematory license.
@inthehands @eleanorrees
What's the hardest part about cleaning a Tesla?
Scraping the dead bodies off the hood.
@inthehands @eleanorrees
I originally wrote "children" instead of "bodies," but then I thought, "Okay, that's probably *too* dark."
@inthehands @eleanorrees
Families that own Teslas are much closer than average.
Their charred bodies are literally inseparable.
@jargoggles @eleanorrees
Oof! Too much, too much!
@inthehands @eleanorrees
The interior of a Tesla must be really bad. People are dying to get out of them.
@inthehands How many Elons does it take to change a lightbulb? None. This is a self-changing lightbulb. You just- Hey you have insurance, right?
@inthehands A tesla, a bicycle and a port authority bus roll into a bar. The tesla catches fire and the bar burns down. Later, a doctor, a lawyer and a rabbi walk by the site. The rabbi says "Doc, I'm feeling kind of disoriented, like there's something we're supposed to be doing, but oy, what it is I don't know." The lawyer says "I know how you feel. This could have been a good joke." The doctor stares into the wreckage and says "Fuck that Elon Musk."
@inthehands Tesla autopilot is great, you can be looking at your phone while the car runs a red light and hits a pedestrian for you!
(This almost happened to me, if I hadn't been watching where I was going I could have been run over by a Tesla driver not even looking at the road as they ran a red.)
@inthehands Look, I'm not saying I want to commit insurance fraud. I'm just saying that the insurance policy on my house is worth more than the house, and I bought a Tesla and put it in the attached garage.
No, I was gonna tell you how I actually start fires with wet wood, I’ll let your answer slide. 
@GhostOnTheHalfShell
One of my proudest college moments was on a spur-of-the-moment spring break camping trip with basically no proper supplies, starting a fire with wet wood in the dark. We made Spaghetti-Os we got at a gas station on the way.
