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well that's a way to answer a question without answering a question https://docs.syncthing.net/users/faq.html#why-does-syncthing-connect-to-this-unknown-suspicious-address
so it turns out this open source dropbox-style thing has "relaying" on by default; it doesn't ask you, and instead assumes it's ok by you to just connect to random ips without asking first
I don't care that they "can't see my data", the assumption is a breach of trust
Of course, it took hunting down some forum thread to understand what was going on
open source projects really need to take this sort of user experience more seriously
@mattly it's based on the same concepts as (trackerless) Torrents. AFAIK it uses a DHT (Distributed Hash Table) to find and connect to other nodes you own, and uses this for "UDP hole punching", which allows it to communicate with other nodes you own after the connection has been set up. This works by having every node participate in this DHT, just like with Torrent clients. I guess in addition they might also have relays.
I get it feels weird though, I also prefer just self hosting things.
@anthropy yes I understand that now. Their homepage is not forthright about this
@mattly my guess is that they don't want to overwhelm people that just want a "sync thing, a thing that syncs". Unfortunately a lot of people care scarily little about how things work and get turned off by details. Whether I would actually give into that and dumb down the site, rather than just telling people to not be a dangerously empty minded enduser, is another story :P but I guess a lot of softwares are like that (especially closed source ones). I'd also prefer more detail tbh.