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I can think and communicate in English, Mandarin, Hokkien and Teochew with them, without having to think because those are my brain and mouth’s natural languages. I can mix them all up in any order and switch not just between different languages but also between different versions of each language if I need.

Yet I found myself tweaking my speech constantly with them. My dad understands more English and reads it well, but really does not understand my Californian accent. So I have to switch into something more Singaporean (not quite Singlish). My mom doesn’t understand me at all when I use a single English word above two syllables. They constantly speak Hokkien with each other and I realize I’ve never let on that I understand them perfectly. I secretly took Taiwanese Hokkien classes online and am far more fluent now, wanting to connect with my mother in her native tongue.

I speak 85% in Mandarin with them, 10% Hokkien and 5% English. They speak 100% Hokkien with each other. For language imperialism reasons, it is now awkward for someone from their generation to only speak in Hokkien with their child.

I mourn that language loss and loss of connection, but also that they increasingly don’t understand me at all in English.